HELLO. HERE I AM AGAIN AS PROMISED

Hello. Here I am again as promised. I hope you are getting some benefit from these blogs. That is my sole intention and fervent wish. Perhaps at times, I may seem didactic or a bit of a know-all but I assure you, I am neither. This time, I want to deal with a very touchy subject, forgiveness.

No relationship can flourish over an extended period of time without the ability and willingness to forgive. No matter how patient and understanding we are or are not, no matter how flexible and accepting we are or aren’t, eventually, a situation is sure to crop up where there is a difference of opinion. As the “discussion” becomes more heated, often things are said that we may regret later, even if it is just the way we expressed them. The hurt caused by such an event may be far deeper than is recognized at first blush. That is where forgiveness comes into play.

Without it, the “pain” festers and becomes more acute. But, who is to blame is no longer the issue. What is important now, is to keep one’s focus on healing and preserving the relationship. This is an example of an occasion where forgiveness is essential. Naturally, there is the aspect of apologizing for having caused the hurt in the first instance. This, in itself, is often difficult to do. Again, I intend dealing with this aspect in a future blog. However, it is easier than the opposite side of the coin, being willing to forgive.

Usually, we adopt the attitude of a victim and blame the offending party for what they did or did not do. Why should I forgive them? What right do they have to expect forgiveness. They don’t deserve it and need to be punished. These are just a few of the justifications for withholding our forgiveness. Except that while we hang on to our anger, jealousy, vitriol, etcetera or “pain”, (a euphemism for negative emotions), we pay the price, not necessarily them. It is like self-flagellation.

So, what is forgiveness. Clearly, it means different things to different people. It is very personal and far from the easy option, quite the opposite. It is difficult, painful in itself and often, seems unjustified. And yet, it has the potential to be transformational.

Firstly, we never forgive or condone the offence or action. We do not excuse what happened. WE FORGIVE THE INDIVIDUAL. Forgiveness is an act that allows us to be released from the grip of the offender or perpetrator. Like all actions to which we are unaccustomed, it takes time to develop the skill. It is tantamount to accepting what was in the past and moving on in our lives, forward, without dragging the past with us, which only slows us down. It is accepting that what has happened in the past cannot be changed and so it is time to abandon such a hope. The act or omission remains unforgiven. However, with forgiveness, like everything else that has gone before, it becomes simply just another event or experience from the past and loses its sting, as it were. The forgiveness is of the person, only. Hence, not the forgiven, the forgiver is released because he or she ceases to continue telling themselves the old hackneyed story, in which all the previous stingwas vested.
So, forgiveness is an act of self-healing, rather than an act of surrender to someone in the face of defeat It is a mental or spiritual relinquishing of resentment, anger or indignation towards another. It liberates us not them.

Forgiveness is rarely a one-off action or event. Rather it is a journey, a continuum and not a single magnanimous gesture to another person although it is like a gift to them with no expectation of acknowledgement or recompense. Consequently, we do not even have to say it out loud to the person or persons we forgive because forgiveness takes place in our hearts and not on our tongue. Of course, in most cases, it is advisable to tell the other person of your intention to forgive in order for it to be out in the open and therefore, more difficult to retract. Nonetheless, it is not essential to express it to the forgiven party as some sort of magnanimous gesture.

We can forgive individuals or groups, small acts or big. Such examples are amply illustrated by Nelson Mandela, who chose and persuaded his people to forgive the white majority in South Africa for over 300 years of oppression of his people. And that was after 27 years of solitary confinement on Robben Island, a seemingly valid reason for not being willing to forgive. Or the Irish gentleman, who openly declared his forgiveness of the Real IRA, perpetrators of the Omagh bombing in Northern Ireland, in which his fatally injured daughter was a victim. The acts were not forgiven but those who did it were, whether guilty or not. The transgression may not be a crime such as adultery or betrayal. Forgiveness releases us from the need for punishment, which remains in the hands of the legal authorities.

Finally, and perhaps most important of all, forgiveness is a choice. It is not a duty or an obligation but must be freely made. To expect someone to forgive can potentially victimize them all over again. And never forget to forgive yourself. There are always two sides to every disagreement. The most hardened criminals, who have perpetrated the most despicable crimes are released after having served their sentences. Do you deserve worse, a life sentence without parole? Surely, not.

Finally, just a bit of silly wordplay. Forgiving is made up of two words, ‘for’ and ‘giving’. When we are hurt, we tend to withdraw into ourselves and harden our hearts. We usually hold back from giving of ourselves to others, be it time, goodwill, trust or even love. When we forgive, it unlocks our hearts and creates space for us to be able to start giving to others, again. As before, from such acts of giving, we benefit, personally, more than the beneficiary of our gift of forgiveness.

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